LGBTQAIPleasure and Orgasm

How Do Lesbians Have Sex?

Having sex for the first time can be a little nerve-racking, no matter who you are or who you want to have sex with.

Given that there are lots of myths and misconceptions about lesbian sex, it’s important to educate yourself about how sex can work and how to practice safer sex.

Here are a few tips to know .

Any Person Can Have Any Type of Sex

Before we talk about lesbian sex, let’s talk about what the phrase means.

Usually, people use the term “lesbian sex” to mean sex between two women. If that’s the case, remember that those women might not identify as lesbian.

For example, they could identify as bisexual, pansexual, queer, or even heterosexual. Sex between women isn’t limited to lesbians.

Remember, also, that “lesbian sex” isn’t limited to cisgender couples.

It also includes other people who have vaginas, people with penises, and people with intersex genitalia.

Heterosexual couples, for example, may have oral, manual, or penetrative sex. It all depends on the couple and what they like to do.

Similarly, lesbian sex — or sex between women, whether cis or trans — can include whatever kind of sex you’d like to try.

Sex Means Different Things to Different People

While many people only view penis-in-vagina sex as “real” sex, the definition of sex is fluid. Sex means different things to different people.

Here is an incomplete list of what may count as sex for you:

  • oral sex performed on the vagina, penis, or anus
  • manual sex, including hand jobs, fingering, clitoral play, anal play, and fisting
  • breast and nipple play
  • penis-in-vagina sex
  • penis-in-anus sex
  • using sex toys
  • mutual masturbation
  • genital rubbing
  • kissing and cuddling

So, whatever counts as “lesbian sex” is really up to whoever is doing it. You’re welcome to define sex as broadly or as narrowly as you’d like!

Don’t Believe Everything You’ve Heard

There are lots of myths out there about lesbian sex. Here are a few:

  • Someone has to be “the man” in the scenario. Some people believe that one partner does all the penetration while the other does all the receiving. This is the dynamic for some couples, but not all — and remember, penetrating doesn’t make you a “man.”
  • It’s easier because you’re both women. Remember that just because you’re both women doesn’t mean you have the same genitals — for example, one person might be a cis woman with a vagina, while the other might be a trans woman with a penis. Even if you do have the same genitals, every body is different. What one partner finds pleasurable, another partner might find boring.
  • You have to use a strap-on. Strap-ons are sex toys that are often penis-like in shape. They attach to one partner’s pelvis using a harness or underwear-like attachment. They can be used to penetrate the vagina or anus. While these can be enjoyable, they’re not a must-have. Whether you use one is up to you.
  • You have to scissor. Scissoring is when two people with vaginas open their legs and rub their vulvas together. While some people enjoy this, it’s a huge myth that all lesbians do this. Many people find it impractical and unpleasable.
  • Orgasm is the end goal. Most people think that sex ends when one or both partners orgasm. This doesn’t have to be the case. Sex can be pleasurable without orgasming, and it’s totally fine to stop having sex without one or both of you orgasming.
  • You don’t need to worry about STIs or pregnancy. It’s possible to get pregnant if one partner has a penis and another has a vagina. It’s also possible to spread STIs from one person to another, no matter what their genitals are.

If You Haven’t Already, Get Familiar With Your Own Anatomy

Masturbating can help you relax and figure out what feels good to you.

You may find that touching yourself in certain places and with certain motions feels pleasurable. This can help you tell your partner what you enjoy.

And if your partner has the same anatomy as you, masturbating may help you navigate their anatomy better. It may also give you a good idea of what they might enjoy.

That said, remember that everyone is different. What might be pleasurable for one person might not be pleasurable for the next.

Be Prepared to Communicate With Your Partner

Asking for consent is crucial.

Even if your partner has already said that they want to have sex, it’s important to check in before the time comes.

Remember that they have the right to withdraw consent during sex, as do you.

If you’re nervous, talk to your partner about it. Share that you haven’t had sex before, or that you haven’t done certain sexual activities.

Ask them what they enjoy doing or what they’d like to try, or share ideas of your own.

You should never make assumptions about what your partner does or doesn’t want.

Always check in with them and ask what they’d like before taking it to the next level.

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